I’ve had a really shitty fall, full stop. From having my privacy invaded by someone on goodreads, to losing a pet who I’ve had since I moved away from my family, to just missing my family every second of every day, to not knowing where I want to set up roots, to losing friends, I’m just sad. I feel like I live my life in extremes; from pure happiness from escapism, to pure sadness from feeling like I’m letting everyone down.
It’s so pathetic that I feel like I’m not good enough, when I have so many people supporting and cheering me on. Why do I let those few negative voices be louder than the so many positive ones? Why do I constantly feel like I could be doing better or producing more? Why do I correlate my worth with my productivity in every aspect of my life? I know I’m human, and that I will grow, and I will be better, and that I will be happier, but sometimes it just feels so fucking heavy carrying the weight of everyone else’s expectations of me. I’m not perfect, I’ll never be perfect, and I’ll never be the perfect book reviewer or content creator, but I promise I am always trying my best with everything I produce, and it comes from my whole entire heart every time.
I just feel like these spaces that I’ve carved out online with my whole entire heart just bring me sadness lately. It’s not even just BTS and Kpop, it’s ASMR, it’s video games, it’s anything that isn’t book related. And I understand this community is so small, and I understand that people do correlate the name meltotheany with books, but the name meltotheany is just a part of my soul and who I am as a human and I think a lot of times people forget that content creators are human beings with so many feelings. Also, content creators have offline lives, and some people feel very scared to let people in on their offline lives, while also really struggling with setting boundaries and limits for people respecting your privacy. (it me.)
But I’m behind on reviews, I’m behind on wrap ups, I’m behind on reading, I’m just behind. I don’t know what to do moving forward because all the spaces that have brought me so much happiness for so long just feel tainted. From favorite books, to favorite bands, to favorite places. I’m not sleeping enough, I’m not eating enough, all the while this hole in my chest just keeps getting bigger and bigger by also not feeling like I’m enough.
I love you all so much and most of the time that love feels all encompassing. I know I’m so privileged and so blessed and I promise you I’m so grateful. Yet somehow, those facts don’t equate to me not being heartbroken over so many things while constantly pretending like everything is okay. I truly am so very sorry if I’m letting you down. I promise I’ll be better, and I promise to be better for all of you too, but right now I just need a break. The whole point of this blog post is to just tell you that I think I’m going to take the month of November off of everything except for Goodreads and Instagram so I can relearn to love some of my passions, while also (hopefully) relearning how to be kinder to myself.
Also, maybe it will make you feel better to know that just randomly typing all of this out really felt cathartic. It is a good reminder on why I love books and reading and reviewing and just words in general, and how I never want to lose this love. Hopefully I can come back happier and stronger for the both of us. Happy reading, friends. I love you.